only now is real

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It’s scarily comforting

That nothing else 

Not the past nor the future

Is even reality

Just the now

The hum under my feet

As I zoom under ground 

The breath in my chest

The bass in my ears

This is the realness

No worry

No care that I have 

Matters now

Because now all I can do is sit here

And breathe and type and listen and watch

There so much going on at every moment

And yet all I’ve wanted to do is tune it out

Turn it off 

Muffle the noise and sleep

Peacefully

Without dreams of robot overlords 

Or petty ladder climbing sheep

The only stillness I find

Is in my own heartbeat 

In the sureness that one more is coming and then another until the end.

Only now is real and thank goodness

Even the past isn’t real to me

They aren’t my memories

It’s like they happened to another person

How could that person be me?

Are you done punishing yourself for someone else mistakes? 

Are you done punishing yourself for what you don’t even remember? 

Are you done yet?

Are you tired yet?

Don’t let what you don’t remember

Who you used to be

Ruin your now

Because only now is real

choke

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I thought I saw the back of you

Tonight - 40th and Broadway.

A lone figure sitting at a table possibly

Kobeyaki’s last customer of the night

It’s 5:50pm

we both know that’s your lunch spot

But you probably eat dinner there too.

Variety was never your thing.

What would I have said if you had turned around.

recognition in a sea of strangers

Probably nothing

Since silence holds more power with you

Than any words I ever could have said

My words glanced off you like water on a shiny slick leaf

Being here day after day

Is like reopening wounds

That never really truly healed

Of a boy who couldn’t speak

And of what got lost in the middle

Of me trying to translate

Bile and spit and blood


Constantly clearing my throat

Trying to get all the taste of you

Out of my mouth

Wash you off my hands

And body

Scrub my skin til it turns pink and tender

Make sure I get it all off

Leave no trace of this

Fingerprint scan

This photocopy

This pixelated download

Kind Of a relationship

Ink stains my hands

But you don’t have my heart

Anymore

You gave it back to me like you were returning

A gift

That you stole

While I wasn’t looking

Or was blinded by your shifting eyes and hands

Juggling reality and authenticity with lies by omission

It’s not like I don’t miss you

Fingers grazing on skin

Running through hair

Moments shared

Loneliness stamped out

Just wisps though

Ether in a bottle

Smoke and mirrors

Because you’ve got something stuck

In your throat

And when I stop to look down it as you choke and gasp for air I realize

What’s stuck in your

Throat

Is your heart

So I said goodbye

and

shoved it back down where it belongs.

 

miracle

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My mind gets still under these conditions

20000 or more feet above the earth

Sitting and sipping tea out of a paper up

Chilly feet

Warm heart

On my way to another adventure


It’s a miracle we’re alive at all.

A miracle that all 3 trillion cells in my body filled with oxygen and let me

Breathe

Move

Smile

Live

Fly.


Flying the miracle deepens

The miracle gets more vast

It’s like we saw the birds and said

Why should you be the only creatures who can fly?

Who can see with a third eye -

Who can soar above separateness and see everything as united

In unison

Yoga.


I want to remember in as many moment as are possible

That we are all the same

Connected.

Pure conscious energy


The same stuff that makes up the stars, planes, crop circles - makes up you and me.


Once tapped into it feels wrong and backwards to ignore it.


You can’t unknow something once you know it.


You cannot unsee  after you’ve SEEN.


There is more beauty than ugly in this world but you have to keep peeling back the layers. Peel back at the fog that covers your true self.

There’s a jewel under all that muck.


Fire transforms

Fire purifies

But fire will burn you if you do not surrender to her power.

Surrender is where it’s at.

Serenity to accept what you cannot change.


Knowledge and wisdom about the difference between pain and uncomfort.


Uncomfortable is where we grow.

Where the magic happens.


Things that are hard for me are still hard but they get easier the more I practice.


Being vulnerable is a gift but one that needs bubble wrap levels of protection and the right handlers.


Spirits who are also seeking truth.


Those who know there is more to life than a paycheck.

More to life than checking all the boxes on a “perfect” life.

More than the hustle

More than your location

More than your address.


Will leaving New York be what I’m looking for?

Is this just what happens to my cells after an amount of time?

Is it just time - to go?


Leaving seems impossible which is probably why I should do it.


I should really just stop struggling.

The answer will present itself when I am finally ready to see it.


God doesn’t give us the things we can’t handle or aren’t ready for - of this I am sure.


I believe when I can let it go and let god - things immediately start to go better for me.

The things that perplex and confuse me become abundantly clear. The more clear you can get the more likely this wisdom and light can transmit to you.


Count your blessings baby - there are more than you even know.

Believe, try, but not too hard - and receive - everything the universe is trying to send you.


🙏🏽♥️

 

Written 8.9.18

ganesha.

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Of course you’re

Here

Sitting and guarding

The magical

Healing waters

Of the springs of Jackson and .

OM gam

I wade in

He doesn’t understand

The significance

Of this elephant

In the room

.

This god of new beginnings

Of obstacles

Of removing

Everything that lays in your path

.

Gam

Ganesha

Deity of many names

Bless my journey

Bless me as I start again

.

Remind me I am my own

Biggest

Obstacle

That all the power is in my hands

Waiting

Clasping

Causing my own pain.

.

Once you can accept

Your fate your own energy and lack thereof

Ganesha will remove your obstacles

And you will see through to a clear door

A pathway towards light and truth

Away from darkness and fear

.

Without acceptance there can be no peace

Without peace there can be no focus

Without focus there can be no enlightenment .

Ganesha shows us the door but only we can walk through it.

Labor Day Weekend

a few days in the green hills of Vermont has me feeling refreshed and happy. I am reminded of the happiness in simple things and just taking a deep breath. seasons are changing and so am I but in my head it can always be...

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farm fresh 🥚 

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pause.  

pause.  

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